Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Addict of Fiction: The Stress To Get To Level 10

I am sure I’m not the only person who has this feeling. I have been playing video games for a very long time. I love every minute of it. The stories are always new and I’m hyped until the end. Final Fantasy is a true example. Just when I think I made it through the entire game, there turns out to be a new twist and turn.

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Monday, May 30, 2011

Ten Seconds of Bird Fights and Car Fights

Time is very important to everyone. You can do so many things in a certain amount of time. But the one thing that they don't tell you is that unexpected things can happen at the same time.

One day, I was leaving the library, checking out rock music and autobiographies. I left that place feeling extremely confident about my weekend. It felt like an amazing day. I was going to be reading and jamming like a rock star. I got on my bike and was leaving to visit a friend of mine who lives near the place.

The traffic light towards the end of the block turned red. So I stopped my bike and waited for it to turn green. While waiting I happened to see these two penguins chasing this scarecrow crazily. Knowing that I am a very observant person, I looked very carefully to see what they were arguing about. It turns out the scarecrow had some type of food in it's mouth and the penguins were fighting to get it. Obviously, the scarecrow was going to let that happen.

They flew past me and continued fighting with one another. I already had the chuckles after watching that. All of a sudden, the fight made my eyes stumble upon another fight. I looked over and saw that a truck was blocking the back of a car, doing it's best to get from behind it. The truck driver didn't care what was going on behind him/her. That person was going by his/her own rules.

Suddenly, the car in the back honked the horn. One second later, the truck honked back. The driver didn't give a crap and drive ahead. Once the car were gone I just lost. I was laughing hysterically on my bike. I took out my notebook and wrote down this story. It amazed me how two fights can happen in only ten seconds.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I Can't Hide Food From My Dog

My dog is truly a funny character in my life. He continues to surprise me with stuff he's doing right now. His actions are unexplainable. All I know is that he makes me laugh every day.

Last week, I went into the kitchen and started warming up this plate of barbecue chicken that I brought home from a party. It was an excellent barbecue. The southern side of me was all over that table. I am southern boy and you can tell from the amount of food I eat. I had these huge cravings that day and the barbecue truly helped me.

I put the chicken in the microwave and set the timer off. I felt relaxed after a long day of work. All I wanted to do was lay on the couch, eat, and watch reruns of Seinfeld. The food was done cooking and let it out the microwave. It somehow triggered my dog, who heard the noise, and was walking silently towards the kitchen. He was walking like I didn't know he was coming. I knew he was coming from the way his collar was clicking.

He finally arrived and looked at me in the eye. He knew there was food around me, so you know what he was going to do. He was going to stalk me until he got his share.

In the beginning, I tried to hide it. I just left in the toaster oven and laid on the couch. That didn't work. If there was nothing going on, Midnight would normally go to the back and sleep on his pillow. Instead he sat next to the couch where I was laying. He wasn't going to leave until he got some food.

Eventually, I had enough. My stomach was growling like a maniac. I had to get my food and run into my bedroom. I came up with this plan to make Midnight not realize that I had food and still be able to hide it to my bedroom. I grabbed Midnight's blanket and covered his head with it. That gave me fifteen seconds to do everything. I took my food out of the toaster oven and ran into my bedroom. The plan appeared to have worked out perfectly.

All of a sudden, I hear something like a bull charging towards my door. It was very loud and very frightening. The charging finally stopped. He started straching my door for a full five minutes. I knew at that moment that my plan didn't work. Eventually, I caved in. I let Midnight in and showed him the food. I ate the chicken and he had the bones.

Midnight is a lot clever than I give him credit for. I can no longer hide any food from him whenever he hears or smells something that he wants to sink his teeth into.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Airport Restroom Malfunction

This is something that will go down as one of the most personal embarrassments in my life. It's crazy to me how my life just jumps at me with unexpected humor.

Years ago, I was part of this performing arts program back in high school. We act, sang, perform, wrote songs wrote plays, the whole thing. We became so popular around Louisisana, we had an opportunity to perform for this school in Las Vegas. For me, it was an amazing thing. It was going to be the first time that I was getting on a plane and the first time I was going to be in another state other than Florida.

The trip was something I was really looking forward too.

Me and the rest of the performing arts crew hopped on the plane was ready to start going. I will admit that I was pretty nervous on the first flight. Who doesn't gets that feeling? In order to cope with my first time, I literally dranked a combination of orange juice and apple juice when it was being served to us. I was throwing them back like an alcoholic.

After those drinks, my mind began to feel calm. We landed in Atlanta, Georgia and walked over to the other plane that was taking us to Vegas. I didn't feel any sort of sensation. I felt fine. I sat in my chair, feeling fine and ready for take off. The second the plane was getting ready to fly away, my blatter was losing control. I knew at that moment that I needed to go to the bathroom.

Sadly for me, I had to wait two hours before we could land. I tried going to use the airplane's restroom. Apparently, there were some first time airplane people that lost control and started vomiting all over the place. I was trapped.

Two hours later, I ran off of that airplane like the Road Runner from Looney Tunes and ran inside a restroom. You might think it couldn't get much worse. Well it did. The second I unzipped my pants and then released, the urine started coming out in two places. My package and my butt. It was an unusual thing I couldn't believe happen to me. I never knew it was possible. Once I was done, I got back with my group and we finally made it to Vegas.

Honestly, I considered it a welcome to Las Vegas present. You never know what's going to happen when you get to Vegas.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Neighbors Know How To Party

I love my neighbors. They are wonderful people. The one thing that I have noticed throughout the years is that I have different kinds of neighbors. I have nosy neighbors, cranky neighbors, laid back neighbors, and my personal favorite. Party neighbors.

When it comes to those parties, they know how to throw it. However, I will admit that there are times when they can get a little out of control. It's amazing what happens when you bring a crate of beers and different types of alcohol beverages to one location, and don't expect anything crazy to happen. I never told them to back away from the alcohol because they get out of control. As a matter of fact, I actually allow it.

One night, I was looking out my window after hearing a lot of noise coming from outside. I looked over to my right and there was a neighbors acting like major drunks. The music and the alcohol was on and popping. I realized at that point that they couldn't hold their liquor anymore. Shockingly, no one threw up and kept on going.

I was not jealous of them. I was actually jamming with them. I thought I was the only one in the neighborhood who partied like that. I wanted to be a part of it. My mind then changed seconds later.

A car was trying to go to the other side. Some of my neighbors were already in the middle of the street, dancing like maniacs. Once the car stopped in front of them, they laid their bodies against the door and continued dancing. It was like they were trying to have sex with the car. I couldn't see the driver's face, but I knew he/she was wondering "What the hell is going on?"

They finally stopped dancing and let the car drive away. The only I had to say after that was "That's my kind of party."

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Prayers Go Out To Joplin, Missouri

I have been thinking about this all weekend. I normally don't talk about topics like this on my site, but things are changing. Whenever a disaster like this happened I get emotional on the inside and I just want to hold everyone.

Joplin, Missouri have been ravaged by a tornado that hasn't caused this much distruction since 1947. I have been all over CNN listening to everything that's been going on. Of course, Anderson Cooper is right there on the scene. Youc an always count on him to be one of the first reporters to document these things.

This tornado season has probably been what I consider one of the worst seasons in many years. I have never seen so many get formed. I think it's some sort of record. The disasters that is has caused scares me every year when someone lives around those areas.

Once again, my prayers go out to everyone in Joplin, Missouri. We are coming over there to take care of you right now. This is horrible what you guys are going through, but don't worry about it. Help is on the way.

Monday, May 23, 2011

One Joke, Five Minutes of Criticism

This is the first time something like this has ever happened to me. I knew this was going to happen one day. As a comedian, you are bound to meet someone who doesn't like any of your jokes. But nothing in the world prepared me for what was going to happen a few weeks ago.

I was scheduled to perform at this night club for the first time. I was so excited about it. I wrote down some new material that I just couldn't wait to start performing. It's rare for an open mic place to let people perform stand up comedy. Lately, it's been all singer and poets. But I was determined to do this. I told them that if I could perform standup over there, I will invite all of my friends and rock the audience.

With confidence, they accepted my offer and I went back home to prepare for my performance.

The night finally arrived and I was very happy to hit the stage. Before everything was going on, I ran into this individual. Let's call him David. David knew me years ago when I started performing with this program I was a part of when I awas back in high school. I hardly remembered him, but he remembered me because of one thing. My name, of course.

He was scheduled to perform that very night as well. He is a singer. When I told him I was performing stand up comedy, he told me to give him a joke. Even till this day, I can't just give you a one liner joke. I am more of a storyteller. The jokes came as the story goes on. But he wanted a one liner. So I came up with this one joke that I knew was going to suck.

I gave it to him and out came the fireworks. For the next five minutes, I was hearing nothing but bad stuff about this joke. He didn't take it personally, but he sure had a perspective on it. I was built with tough skin. So i was just taking the blows from this guy. It was crazy to me. How in the world can one joke be worth a full five minutes of criticism?

I walked away from him for the rest of the night. Everything was blank to me. I didn't know what I did for the rest of the night.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Future Forward: You're In Love With Your Best Friend. Now What?

There comes a time in each of our lives when the ultimate question pops up once in our heads. One day, you will begin to look at your best friend in a different way. There are a couple of images that has never appeared in your mind before when it came to your best friend. Whenever they walk past you, you begin to get tiny butterflies floating in your stomach. What you're feeling is the ultimate debate.

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Monday, May 9, 2011

Kid Rock Rocked Jazzfest

I was standing right there in the middle of the whole show, watching this legend rock the crowd. I love Kid Rock and I love his music. So when I found out that he was performing at the Jazzfest & Heritage Festival here in New Orleans, you know I stuffed my face with food and walked as fast as I could with my drink to get a good view. The one thing I learned about rock concerts is that you have to get to the stage as early as you can. The best view is in the front and middle. So I squeezed my little self into the center.

I arrived right on time.

Kid Rock came out and started performing "Rock N Roll Jesus" first. I started swinging my body back and forth and showing the rock star sign with my fingers. I lost total control and I was jamming my butt off.

Whenever I hear rock music, it feels like home. The community is so emotionally attached to their artist when they hear their music. The lyrics and beats that comes from rock song touches my heart. I love everything about it. So you know what was going on with me when I started hearing this man.

A few tracks later, he started to play "All Summer Long," one of the most romantic songs I have ever heard. However, I was by myself in the crowd. So I had no one to sing it too. But in the end, I loved it. He ended the concert with "Born Free." This is one of my favorite songs of all time. I love the lyrics, the feeling, the whole rhythm revolving around the album.

I walked away from that concert feeling like I drained all my energy from yelling and moving. But in the end, it felt like home. I arrived home, got on the computer and kept on playing "Rock N Roll Jesus." It was the best concert and Kid Rock did his thing. I hope I get to see him in concert again.

The Gaye Family Epi. 6 Released

Everyone knows that I am a fan of this web series. So I was dying and waiting for the next episode to come on. Now I finally got the change yesterday when episode six finally premiered.

If you guys still aren't aware of this show, you will become an instant fan right after watching this episode. This one was making me laugh so much, I was about to cry on the floor.

Come check out episode six of "The Gaye Family."I

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Have Soap Operas Ever Touched Your Life?

My head is still wrapping around the fact that 90% of these soap operas are going off the air soon. It's still a shocker to me that it is all happening so fast. One show is cancelled in one year. Then the next year, two are being cancelled at the same time.

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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Crazy Way I Discovered Pornography

For most people that know I kind of discovered sex at a very early age. I was four years when I first saw two people going at it. Some people tell me it's hard to admit that stuff, but not for me. I am very open when it comes to my life. My life is an unusual appetite. I am not afraid to admit to you guys that I have discovered porn in a crazy way.

When I was four years old I just finished watching Matilda for the one millionth time. It was my childhood movie. Even til this day, I can watch it forever. Once the movie was over, I looked over in my movie collection to see if there were any movies I haven't seen yet. Turns out I've seen all of them. My parents knew I love Disney movies. So they would give a Disney movie at least once a month.

There were no longer any movies in my collection. That didn't stop me though. My parents are known to be very secretive when it comes to gifts. So I expected them to be hiding more movies from me because my birthday was in three days.

I opened my bedroom closet. There I saw a large collection of video cassettes on the very top shelf of my closet. For me being a small boy, I was expected to not make it up there. Once again that was not me. Most parents need to understand that their kids can turn from Little Man to Spiderman in a quick second. After all, climbing is probably the first thing they're learning since they have to do it every time they lose their balance.

I climbed all the way up there and grabbed one of the videos. I was so excited. More Disney films was coming into my life. I played it and that was when I discovered pornography.

I was staring at that video for a full twenty minutes. I was so puzzled at what was going on. Of course, it wasn't a Disney movie, but what was it? All I saw was a man inserting his thing inside of the woman and she was screaming to the top of her lungs while he was moving back and forward.

My mother spotted me watching it minutes later. I turned around at her and said "Mom, why is that guy hurting that woman."

Monday, May 2, 2011

My Matilda Mimicking Failed

Growing up, my favorite movie was Matilda. I can't describe to you how much I was in love with that movie. I could just sit down in my bed and watch it endless times. Truly, I believe I have watched it endless times. To me, that movie is a masterpiece.

Apparently, I'm not the only one in my family who agrees. My little cousin not only watches this movie as well, but he does the same thing I do. He would sit down on the couch and watch it forever. Sometimes, he would ask his mom to replay it over and over again. I don't know what it is about the movie, but I just love it. But I will say that there was a time when I imitated everything from the movie.

Back then, my stepfather crossed the line a few times. There were moments when I wanted to beat the crap out of him.

Suddenly, I started watching the movie over again. The once scene that stood out to me was when Danny DeVito narrated a scene of Matilda being in bed after she was falsely punished by her parents. That quote just stood out to me.

"He meant to say 'When a child is bad.' Instead he said 'When a person is bad. And thereby introduced the revolutionary idea that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserve it of course."

Because of that, I did exactly what Matilda did. I went into the bathroom and mixed a couple of chemicals together. I grabbed some Nitrogen Peroxide and mixed it with my stepfather's hair gel. It was time for him to pay and there was no turning back. I left that bathroom feeling extra confident. My stepfather was going to be punished for falsely accusing me over some unnecessary crap.

Sadly, it didn't work. The hair gel color changed from green to orange and my stepfather noticed that. As for the outcome of the discovery. I think I am going to leave that one alone.