Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Am My Worst Critic

A few days ago, I received an offer to facilitate a group. I signed on to do four weeks of this thing. Each topic is different, but they are all very serious stuff. The first one was great. I was anxious, but it was great. Then the next week arrived and it was time for me to facilitate again.

The second topic was about how some people's lives are influenced by the porn industry. It led to a huge debate right there in the room. Some people said that some parts of the porn industry was fine while some disagreed with it all together. The room was packed with passionate people, which I liked.

These are the kind of conversations I like to see. I know it's hard to manage dealing with a bunch of egos in the room, but that's what makes it unique. I would rather be in the room with a bunch of out of control egos that have a bunch to say about one topic than to hang out with people that are staring at you like you're some sort of reflection in the mirror.

The group ended for the day and I felt like a failure. I didn't feel like a failure because of the group. They were amazing. I felt like a failure over myself. There were a few times when I messed up my speeches during my conversations with the group. I missed one section of the conversation and jumped to the next. On two to five occasions, I messed up.

Within seconds, I'm beating myself up in the head, saying "Why did you mess up? You could have done better than that?" I was giving myself one painful after the next.

This whole scene was a reflection on how I judge myself at times. I am sometimes my worst critic. Whether it's me writing some new material and doing public speaking in front of a bunch of people. I never care about what other people think about me, but I do think about how I'm presenting myself to people. It's a painful realization that I'm still dealing with to this day. I love myself way so much I have a tendency to judge my actions hard.

That commentary on myself after the group ended was one example on how my conscience sometimes catches me on my most vulnerable time, and levels me down terribly. I'm doing my best to work on not trying to beat myself up, but there are moments when I wish I wasn't my own critic..

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Addict Of Fiction- The Legend Of Dragoon Deserves A Prequel

Do you remember “The Legend of Dragoon?” If not, where were you during your childhood years? Even though I love to brag about playing the Final Fantasy and Sonic series, there’s this one fantasy adventure game that will always hold a special piece of my heart. I would play this game constantly when I was a little kid. To me, this is the true example of a fantasy game that everyone should play at least once in their life.

Well I have an interesting perspective on this. I've been thinking about this game for so long I decided to write a game article about it. I'm sure this is exactly what everyone is thinking when it comes to seeing an expansion of this stand alone fantasy game.

Click on the picture to read my game article about it.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I Fell In Love Only Once

You know that thing people say about first love? That you will never forget your first love? Well I agree on that 1000%.

One thing about me that I believe will surprise people is that when it comes to relationships, I’ve only been in love one time. Six different men have been a part of my life since I was fourteen years old. But throughout all of those relationships, I only fell in one with them.

It was my high school boyfriend. He knows who he is. He’s a very good friend and I’m happy to have him as a friend.

It all started when we were fourteen years old. We were each other’s first everything.  He was the first person that influenced me to come out. He and I were the only and possibly the first openly gay couple at our school. Even when we broke up midway through those four years, people still thought we were a couple because we tried to maintain a friendship with us. He was the first time I was ever intimate with a man, and I will admit it was one of the most romantic times of my life. I truly fell in love with him and so did he with me.

Of course, we went through emotional ups and downs during that time. First relationships are always the toughest. But through all of it, we still maintain a friendship. I remember asking him one time “Why is it that we’re still close?” The journey we went through was not easy.

His response was something I’ll never forget. He said “Because you’re a special piece of my heart that I will never even attempt to get rid of.”

I agree on that immensely and I’m so happy that he’s still a part of me. Do I still love him? I love him more than any other person in the world. Do I want to get back together with him? I have my moments when I want him back and he knows it. But as long as we’re still in each other’s lives, the friendship we have is good for me.

I look back at some of my relationships and I now realize that I’ve never the five of them. I was physical attracted to them, but I was never emotionally attached to them. Sometimes I wonder how did those relationships materialize.

So my journey to falling in love continues, but I will never forget that one person who gave me and is still giving me the love that everyone deserves.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Addict of Fiction- Who Would Win In A Fight- Solid Snake vs. Raiden?

For all of my video game fans, I just finished writing this new post for Addict Of Fiction. I know it's been a very long time since I wrote for them, but I'm glad I came back. This is my gaming family and I will continue to write for them as long as they want me to.

This new post is about my personal perspective on two main characters in the Metal Gear series. Click on the picture to read the article.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I Want To Be Known For My Brain And Not My Body

Since puberty, I've been receiving tons of compliments about the way I look. Most people appear to be attracted to the way I look nowadays. Because of it, I've received tons of questions about my appearance.

Why are my glasses hiding these beautiful eyes of mine?

My body is toned, but why don't you get more muscles?

I need to get out more. Why am I always inside and not acting like this other person?

Why do I act more smart and not seductive?

All of this is in regards to my body and how I treat myself around people. My response to that. Because I'm counting on my brain and not my body to succeed in life.

Growing up, I never had these so called good looks that everyone says I have now. All I had was my brain and my books. I've had to look deep inside myself and find out what makes me happy. So when people look at me on the outside, of course it can be puzzling why I didn't go into the other direction and depend on my looks for success.

I've been rocking glasses since I was little kid. I've become used to it and I have no intentions on wearing contacts. I dress casually and not seductively because I don't count on my looks for attention. I read literature more than magazines because I'm feeding my brain.

Don't get me wrong. I do have moments when I want to go the gym and work out. There are times when I want to walk outside with nothing on but my briefs and a wife beater. Topics revolving around sex will pop in casual conversations with me every now and then. But those are just moments. It doesn't define who I am. As much as I want success, I don't want to someday walk into a room, and a random person that doesn't know me, comes right next to me, and the only thing I could present is a Proactiv covered face with teeth that were just whitened from the dentist's office two hours ago.

I knew a long time ago that I was going to be counting on my brain more than my body. After all, I had a brain before I had good looks. I appreciate everyone who thinks I should be this other person. However, I'm comfortable dressing casually, sometimes geeky, and expressing to people what's going on in my head. I acknowledge my smartness and my sexiness, but I found the balance and they are not going to overshadow each other.