Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Am My Worst Critic

A few days ago, I received an offer to facilitate a group. I signed on to do four weeks of this thing. Each topic is different, but they are all very serious stuff. The first one was great. I was anxious, but it was great. Then the next week arrived and it was time for me to facilitate again.

The second topic was about how some people's lives are influenced by the porn industry. It led to a huge debate right there in the room. Some people said that some parts of the porn industry was fine while some disagreed with it all together. The room was packed with passionate people, which I liked.

These are the kind of conversations I like to see. I know it's hard to manage dealing with a bunch of egos in the room, but that's what makes it unique. I would rather be in the room with a bunch of out of control egos that have a bunch to say about one topic than to hang out with people that are staring at you like you're some sort of reflection in the mirror.

The group ended for the day and I felt like a failure. I didn't feel like a failure because of the group. They were amazing. I felt like a failure over myself. There were a few times when I messed up my speeches during my conversations with the group. I missed one section of the conversation and jumped to the next. On two to five occasions, I messed up.

Within seconds, I'm beating myself up in the head, saying "Why did you mess up? You could have done better than that?" I was giving myself one painful after the next.

This whole scene was a reflection on how I judge myself at times. I am sometimes my worst critic. Whether it's me writing some new material and doing public speaking in front of a bunch of people. I never care about what other people think about me, but I do think about how I'm presenting myself to people. It's a painful realization that I'm still dealing with to this day. I love myself way so much I have a tendency to judge my actions hard.

That commentary on myself after the group ended was one example on how my conscience sometimes catches me on my most vulnerable time, and levels me down terribly. I'm doing my best to work on not trying to beat myself up, but there are moments when I wish I wasn't my own critic..

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