Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Why Can't I Express Vulnerability?
One thing my friends know about is that I am a serious person. I take to heart every single detail in my life. I may seem intimidating or anti-social at first. But when you get to me, I actually turn out to be a cool person to hang out with me. It takes time, but you'll eventually figure it out. I take my time into welcome you to my life. I carefully observe people when I'm meeting them at first. Then when I open the door of my life to you, I will do my best to make sure you'll never leave.
However, there's one question people always ask about me. When I last time I ever cried? Why am I never vulnerable when someone is crying in front of me? Do I cold heart? Here's my answer to that all those questions.
I can't. I just can't express emotions in the moment.
For years, I've been asking myself why can't I just cry within seconds like a regular person? Why can't I express emotions when another person in front of me is crying?
I had to look at my childhood for answers. Growing up, I was bullied, teased, and picked on by friends and family. Living as an outsider has caused me to shed so many tears with my face flat on the floor. I can't tell you how many times as a kid my face was flat on the floor or ground. Some of it even carried on with me during my teenage years. I've always found myself crying and shedding tears because I was an emotional mess on the inside.
Once I became an adult, the tears just stopped. When there was a time when I had to cry in the moment, I just couldn't. My stomach will begin to cramp up and my thoughts will be racing 24/7 when it comes to serious topics, but I can never physically show my seriousness. I would express anger and happiness more often, but sadness and vulnerability is just one thing that is hard for me to express.
The first sign was when I was at my cousin's funeral. I was sitting there in the second row and I didn't cry one bit. While all of relatives were just losing it in the church, I was just frozen as a block of ice.
Based on studies I've read, humans develop a strong defense mechanism after years of crying and expressing vulnerability. They subconsciously prepare themselves for heartbreaking moments by instantly building a wall in their mind, thereby protecting themselves from hurt or pain. Of course, you will still feel pain in your stomach, but it won't show itself on your face.
That doesn't mean I'm like this all the time. Special people in my life has seen that side of me. Due to the large amounts of trust and love I had for these people, the walls came down and I seemed to be the most vulnerable person in the world. They used to think of it as a once in a blue moon moment.
I maybe a serious person, but I have my moments. I guess it takes a special person to get that side of me out of it. For me, I'm not a cold person who doesn't have a heart. I just find it difficult expressing vulnerability.